Kimberly Lium
Issue 4: TOAST, September 2025
The kettle's whistling fills the house with a low hum, just as they release the pineapples from their hands. Its thorny edges roll across the pristine marbled flooring and Eloise starts the chant.
“开门大吉... (May good luck enter...)”
Eloise nudges her wife, Shan, whose glance is fixated on one of the pineapples that has reached the end of the living room. A brief sigh escapes Shan's lips.
"招财进宝... (Wishing for health and prosperity...)”
It's clear from Shan's monotonous tone that she isn't buying this standard Chinese ritual that every new homeowner does whenever they move into a new home—and Eloise knows that all too well. They've had disagreements as of late, especially when Eloise's mother has been getting involved with the decisions of the couple. Eloise knows that she needs to protect her wife, but part of being a people-pleaser also means that she doesn't want to upset her own mother. After all, her mother has been the first person who readily accepted Eloise when she first came out at the tender age of fourteen. Little does she know, acceptance only seems like a dream in your adolescent years.
As a 35-year-old, she is married and barren—something that doesn't sit right with her mother. She has been badgering them to have a child and she insists that the child must be birthed from either of them. With the hustle and bustle of settling into their new BTO and making sure they have enough income to sustain amidst the rising costs of living in Singapore, the idea of children seems far-fetched. IVF costs? A gay woman having semen injected into her body? These are baffling to think about between the two women, but this burden seems to weigh on Shan even more as she grows less enthusiastic about moving in with each passing day.
“What else should we say?” Eloise asks while pulling up the screenshot of the chants from an article.
“It's fine, it's enough,” Shan replies, matter-of-factly.
Eloise watches as her wife walks over to the windowsill and takes out her cigarette pack from her pocket. Deftly, she pulls out a stick and lights the cigarette, before she fixates her gaze out of the window. Eloise contemplates telling her wife to stop smoking as this will create a bad impression for potential neighbours but she decides against it. Instead, she crosses over to the kitchen island, where hot steam is still billowing out from the kettle. She opens the drawer below the island, presenting an assortment of tea packets.
“Chai Rooibos today?”
Shan shrugs, while taking another drag of her cigarette. Eloise chews on the inside of her mouth. Brewing and enjoying tea together has always been one of their favourite activities. But lately, it seems that they have stopped speaking this love language.
“Is our appointment next Monday?”
The words that leave Shan's mouth takes Eloise back a little. Even if it is just a question, it is a conversation. She pours the tea into their two usual cups and lets the teabags steep.
“Yeah, you took leave for it right?”
Shan nods, before extinguishing her stick into the ashtray and disappears into the bedroom.
“Now I understand that both of you have taken a week off to settle into your new home. How has the move been? Have things gotten better with the new space?”
Have things gotten better? Shan can only look away.
Shan and Eloise have been engaging with their therapist, Dr. Yang since a month ago, when things were starting to grow tense between her and her wife. It was Eloise's suggestion—something about this place being a queer-friendly establishment and that they should give it a shot. Shan had no interest in having a third-party evaluate their relationship but gave in when she realised that each passing day was weighing down on her as well.
Eloise laughs nervously, breaking the silence in the room. “Well, we've always been living in our rental before this, so it doesn't feel different.” She pauses. “The space is bigger, I guess?”
Shan can feel Dr. Yang's eyes on hers. She can't seem to understand why Eloise must put up a cheerful front all the time, making her feel like a raging storm amidst the soft clouds.
“Feels like a sham,” she mutters under her breath.
She can feel Eloise edging closer to her seat. “It's real, Shan. This is our house now. It's what you wanted right?”
Shan wills herself to look at Eloise. Eloise's glance is pleading and desperate, yet Shan can still see the gentle look in her eyes that she fell in love with twenty years ago. She tears her glance away from her and looks back at Dr. Yang.
“Jenny's had her house since she was twenty-six.”
“Jenny's her friend from seconda-” Eloise tries to explain, before getting cut off.
“Denise applied for her BTO while on her month-long vacation. I'm already having wrinkles just from getting this house.”
Shan feels Eloise's soft hands on hers and she almost freezes up from this interaction.
“Thirty-six is not a shameful age. We should be glad that we've finally caught up, babe.”
Shan lets go, placing both of her hands firmly on her lap. She looks away, hoping this session will end soon.
The kettle almost reaches boiling point. Eloise leaves her phone on the counter as she begins to unpack her groceries. She reaches out for the new dandelion root and leaf teabags that she bought and unwraps the packaging.
“When can we visit? Wait so long already...”
Eloise sighs as her mother nags through the phone. “Not yet Ma, we still have some things to settle.”
She takes two cups from the dish rack and places the teabags into the respective cups.
“You all always take so long, the time when I get my grandchild, I'll be on my deathbed already.”
Immediately, Eloise lowers the volume of her phone as her head turns to the direction of the master bedroom, with its door half-ajar. She hopes Shan is already sleeping, but then again, that would mean another night with a wasted teabag. She lets the tea steep anyway, as she prepares herself for another sleepless night.
Shan knows what she heard.
The grating tone of her mother-in-law’s voice and her ubiquitous demands. At first it was about seeing their new house and eventually, it led to the same old conversation of having a grandchild. She had wanted to walk out and take a cup of tea that Eloise just brewed, but decided that staying put in her bed was a saner choice.
It's not like Shan doesn't want to have a child. She had planned on having a child with Eloise sometime in the future, but the added pressure now was just making the plans. In addition to that, constantly being reminded that the window of opportunity to drift away. have a child was closing just made her more anxious about everything.
It has been an hour since Eloise has come to bed, but she knows that her wife isn't sleeping yet from the way she's breathing and the way her arms around her waist have been fidgeting for the past few minutes. Still, she momentarily takes in comfort in the fact that Eloise still holds her, even during this turbulent stage in their relationship. Her fingers reach out slowly, close enough to feel Eloise's skin.
“You know, the room does look big. We should fill it up more.” Shan speaks up into the silence of the darkened room.
Surprisingly, Eloise doesn’t respond. Maybe she has really been asleep after all. She closes her eyes again.
“We don’t need to have babies.” Eloise’s voice comes out in a monotonous tone.
Shan turns to her side, meeting her gaze with Eloise’s. “We talked about it, didn’t we? A boy, Eden. A girl, Samantha.”
Even in the darkness, Shan sees Eloise smile weakly. “Maybe we just need each other to be happy.”
Shan rolls onto her back, her glance fixated upon the ceiling.
“Are we even happy now?”
None of them speak for a while. Eventually, Shan smiles sadly as she turns on her side, away from Eloise.
This morning was the first time Eloise started to feel herself grow impatient.
It was supposed to be their next appointment, but Shan has decided that she won’t be going right after getting dressed. Eloise stands by the doorway, looking at Shan who is smoking by the windowsoll.
“So, you’re really not going to come?” Eloise asks.
Shan shakes her head slowly. Eloise knows it’s impossible to convince Shan anymore when her mind is made up. She turns the knob on the door and leaves the house, a heavy weight burying down her chest.
Shan stands outside Dr Yang’s office, contemplating entering. She takes a breath, before knocking on the door.
Once she enters, she notices an empty coffee cup on the table.
“Did she leave already?“
Dr. Yang nods. A look of guilt washes over Shan’s face and she nods before turning back.
“I still have fifteen minutes before my next client, please stay.”
Shan turns back to face the bespectacled therapist. “is this counted as an extra session or...?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Dr. Yang smiles, as she gets up. “Coffee or tea for you?”
“Coffee, please, thank you.”
As Dr. Yang prepares the coffee, Shan tries to ease into the cushioned chair. She can still smell the remnants of Eloise’s sandalwood perfume lingering in the room. Plants and minimalistic paintings hanging on the pale-yellow walls created an environment that is very soothing and Shan only manages to feel it now.
Dr. Yang returns with the cup of coffee and its roasty aroma fills the room. She takes her place opposite Shan, with a warm smile on her face.
“When you both came to me, you wanted to make your marriage work. I know a lot from Eloise, but I want to know from you. Can you tell me why you want this relationship to work?”
“I— I don’t know...”
“How about this. Can you tell me about the time when you first disagreed on something?”
It’s been a while since, but Shan remembers.
“Elly was telling me that we should opt for a BTO. I said a resale would be faster. So, she gave in.”
Dr. Yang looks on with interest. “Why did you want the faster route?”
“We’re not getting any younger.”
“You’re thirty-six, right?”
Shan nods, taking a sip of her coffee. She winces a little from the acidity, forgetting how much she has been spoilt by the delights of tea.
“And Eloise is thirty-five.”
Shan looks up from the corner of her eyes. “I know what you’re trying to say.”
“So you both want the best for the both of you, and Eloise goes ahead with plans to make you happy. You’re both considerate of each other, but do you both know that?”
She does make sense, Shan thinks. She hates that this is working.
“Tell me, where do you see your relationship in ten years?”
Shan laughs. “Ten years? I can’t even think ten years ahead when I feel like I’m ten years too late for everything.”
“Take a step back, Shan.”
Shan sighs and takes another sip of her coffee.
“Remember what this is all about. It’s about you and Eloise. Why don’t we go back to where we started? Sometimes, taking a walk down memory lane can be something you need, rather than suffocate yourself with uncertainties.”
Shan returns to the flat. She looks around the house, and there is no sign of Eloise. She could have returned to work after the session.
The sun is just about to set, and she crosses over to the windowsill while lighting a cigarette. She looks down at the playground below her block, where school children are playing happily with each other, while their parents watch from afar. Her attention slowly drifts back to the living room, where some boxes still lie around, waiting to be unpacked. She extinguishes her half-finished cigarette into the ashtray.
Shan goes over to the kitchen island, pulling out the drawer with all the tea packets. Instantly, the newly bought dandelion tea packets are the first thing she sees. It's the one that she wanted to try, and Eloise was just brewing it last night. The coffee she had earlier left a bad taste in her mouth, so she decides to give this a shot this time. She takes the kettle and fills it up with water before bringing it to a boil. While she waits, she looks back at the empty boxes in the living room. Might as well unpack now since she has time. She crosses over to the living room and gets started on one of the smaller boxes.
It is a box labelled 'MISC', and Shan dusts the box, opening it to reveal a stack of old letters and gifts. She pulls out an old polaroid photo of herself and Eloise, when they were still in JC. They were still fresh into their relationship back then and Shan smiled at the memory.
Next, she pulls out a gift card, with a tiny artificial dandelion flower glued onto it. In it reads:
“Can’t afford a real one, maybe next time when I’m rich la horh! At least fake flowers won’t die. Happy anniversary Shan-bear <3”
Shan reads the card once, twice, feeling a sting in her chest. Slowly, she is hunched over, as tears envelop her completely.
Eloise stands before her door, pacing herself before her entrance. She isn’t sure if what Dr. Yang has said will work, especially after where she left off with Shan this morning, but a shot is a shot. Dr. Yang specifically mentioned doing something they used to do in the past, so Eloise decided to drop by their favourite hawker centre after work to pick up two packets of Hainanese curry pork chop rice they used to frequent when they were in JC, as it was just across their school. On the way home, she also managed to grab a bouquet of flowers from the florist.
The moment Eloise clicks the door open, she finds Shan in the living room, hunched over and sobbing quietly. Concerned, Eloise places the food and flowers on the coffee table, before walking over to her wife. Once she is near her, her heart aches at the sight of Shan being disconsolate. She takes a breath before bending down, wrapping her arms around Shan.
Almost immediately, Shan gives in, leaning back into Eloise's embrace. With the warmth of Shan's back pressed onto her body, Eloise tells herself to hold back from her emotions. This presents itself as a difficult task, as she finds herself succumbing to her own tears as the sun sets against them.
After calming down, they are both settled on their couch together, for the first time since they moved in.
Shan notices the takeaway food on the table. “What did you get?“
“Curry pork chop rice,” Eloise answers.
“From Uncle Meng?”
“Ya, but his son runs the store now.”
Suddenly, a pang of hunger hits Shan.
“I wanted to buy teh peng also, but the coffee from earlier was so strong that I feel gross thinking about caffeine.”
Shan's eyes grow wide in acknowledgement. “Dr. Yang's coffee, right? So bad!”
“You were there?” Eloise looks back in confusion.
“Yeah, after you left.”
“I see.”
There is a moment of silence, and Shan wonders if she shouldn’t have mentioned Dr. Yang. They were getting to a good start.
“Well, to be fair we're not coffee drinkers lah.” Eloise speaks up again, with a hint of playfulness in her tone.
“Why did you drink it then?”
“Because I only drink tea with you lah.”
This time, Shan starts to grow shy. It's like she's seventeen again and being on the receiving end of Eloise's smooth talk.
“W-well, I made hot water. Wanted to try the new tea you bought.”
“The dandelion tea?” Eloise asked.
“Yeah, how did it taste? You tried it yesterday, right?”
Eloise shakes her head. “Never lah, too pissed off after talking to Ma yesterday. I just threw away both teabags I made.”
A look of guilt washes over Shan's face.
“Let's drink it with our food then, it can go well after our heaty dinner.”
“Not too much caffeine for you ah?”
“No lah," Eloise smiles.
Shan and Eloise sit in front of their table, savouring the pork chop rice with heaps of curry sauce drizzled over. It almost feels unreal to be enjoying a meal together like this in their new home.
“So, what did Dr. Yang tell you?” Eloise asked.
Shan puts up a finger to her lips. “Client confidentiality. Cannot tell you.”
“It's a couple's therapy, babe.”
“We went separately, doesn't count.”
Eloise tuts playfully."Either way, it looks like we both got the same assignment."
They continue eating as night falls upon them.
“Elly, I'm sorry for the way I've been the past few days.”
Eloise looks back, taken aback by the sudden apology. She holds onto Shan's hands and rubs them in acknowledgment. “It's okay, I understand.”
“No, I've been awful. Shutting you out, distancing myself.” Shan's lips tremble. “I thought moving in was supposed to be a happy occasion, but I keep thinking of our friends that already gotten their shit together ten years ago and I feel so uneasy. And with the baby and everything...I've just been so angry.”
Shan pauses to look at Eloise. Her hands reach out to cup her wife's cheek. “I've been taking out my anger on you.”
Eloise's hands reach atop Shan's. “I didn't know you felt this way. You wouldn't talk to me about how you felt and all I could do was try to make you happy.”
“I know.” Shan's eyes start growing tearful again, but she quickly wipes her tears away before they could escape her eyes.
“I know Ma has been nagging us to have a baby, but I already told her I want to take things slow. I'm not going to give in to her.”
“What about you though? Don't you want a baby?”
Eloise pauses to think, before letting out a tired exhale. “A baby ah? I don't even know what furniture to buy to fill up our empty house leh!”
Shan starts breaking out into laughter. “Oh ya, imagine baby furniture!”
Eloise presses her fingers to her forehead in a dramatic manner. “Ya! Headache leh!”
“Okay okay, let’s drink this before it gets cold.” Shan says, holding out Eloise’s cup towards her.
Eloise takes the cup and lifts it towards her wife.
“To our new house.”
Shan holds out her cup and a light grin forms. on her face. “To Dr. Yang and bad coffee.”
Eloise rolls her eyes playfully. Their cups clink against each other as the floral, roasty taste of dandelion root greets their palate.
Kimberly Lium is a writer based in Singapore. She is the author of three local short stories that were published in the Fish Eats Lion Redux, FRIGHT 1 Anthology and Perks of Being Dumped Anthology respectively. Her poems have been featured on SeaPoWriMo’s Hot and Sour Magazine and the 77th issue of Voice & Verse Poetry Magazine. Outside of fiction, she also has a background in film and enjoys telling stories about female youths and identity.
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